Reflections: Virtue and Vice

“In the context of a hundred thousand years, you can observe the emotional and spiritual evolution of a single soul among all life learning how to harmonize with itself and the world around.
This series of lives were all composed from trauma and love. We are living works of art. Bodies, languages, and music designed by tension and release, trauma and love” ~ 2.14 Yoga Katha, Yoga Sutras

I was looking through my google docs, which is like a diary for me. There was a letter that I wrote myself. I wrote this letter right before I made the decision to go to ND to stand in solidarity with the Water Protectors and right before I made the leap of faith to leave a very unhealthy relationship, changing my life completely. I was working for a good company as an Ornamental Ironworker, Local 580 apprentice. I was doing well in NYC but I obviously was feeling some other things inside. I was having so much trouble just being calm, being myself, loving others, and most of all, loving myself.

I am so glad I said “fuck it” and left on that bus. I met some real deep folks and it was a situation that completely changed the way I view the world. I had a polar exchange, a switch.

.. This world is a well-oiled machine. Built over millions of years to work as is. No need for a check up. Birthed from volcanic ash; hardened by the sea. Oiled by the bones of dragons and sea creatures alike. Built for the turning motion that brings the light to the dark, which brings the pull to the ocean. This world encapsulates the air we breathe, making it the perfect pitch to carry the buzz of the bees. A reproductive carrier, pollinating everything.

My soul is pulling on me to go back to the basics. Daily, I am hearing the voice in my mind continuously saying, “Be a warrior for the world, for the water, for the soil.”
I cry for the water protectors in ND and I feel a connection to the ones on the front lies praying for the rights of this world.

I am finding the hardest part is to separate from the commodities that are so freely available in this world; this melodramatic, destructive world of people. There are so many of us and among us, there are so many that are misguided and uneducated spiritually. I keep wondering where my place is in all of this. Why am I working a job every day that has no positive purpose, that has no function for human prosper and is solely for worldly benefits? Why am I working to build for companies that care nothing for environmental growth and protection? I am heartbroken. I am torn. I am confused. I want to hunker down for the winter and collapse in prayer.

In this hibernation, I am going to continue working as I need to eat. I am going to finish what I started and get the papers I need to survive in this human world. However, I will be in my garage building and praying daily. Separating from this human world as much as possible so that I can find a little peace.

I do not want to apologize for this, as I am doing something to strengthen myself for when it is time for me to stand on the front lines. I am doing this so that I can truly find another part of me that will grow into something that will position me where I need to be when it is time to protect and defend mother earth. I need this time to educate myself on truth and the ways of this world as a natural being and learn how to separate from things that I do not need, yet have allowed to control me and form me into something other than what I should be as a human..”

I did not finish and get those papers. However, I did pray and I did show up. And although I did not know any of the people that I met, they showed me that prayer is exactly what I should have been doing. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I was just doing what I felt was right. And to have a whole serious purple group of people say, “Ya, we do that too!”, it made me realize that people in charge of the final stamp of governmental influence are on the wrong track in policy and protecting the planet – our home.
People faded and I became more alone in my search for truth. I found solace in the words and comfort of strangers. I smelled sage for the first time and broke the shell from my Anja. I burnt tobacco and wrapped my prayers in cloth. I became aware of my soul and less concerned with my flesh and my bank account.
I struggle breaking the cycle of over-consumption. I just keep reminding myself that I need only take one step at a time and not criticize or judge “me” too harshly. I reflect daily on progress. I am here and slowly making it to that progressive state, that natural state of being. I am finally in a position to be able to think ahead, progress is returning. Returning to the land from which I was truly born. It is not about building an empire, it is about me having a jungle and a mountain in my front yard with a river below that I can still drink from if I need too. Where the fruit comes with the seasons and the vegetables too. I want to live off plantains and tortillas. The earth grows my nutrients as it exhales what I need to inhale. It literally keeps my heart beating. The plants I eat are the air that I breathe – this is the purest fact of life that most people either take for granted or do not truly realize.
This letter made me reflect on where I was then. I wasn’t who I am now. I do not want to pressure her too much with negative reverb. So I say, I am glad that she guided me to a better way. I am grateful that she woke up to me eventually. I am glad that she wrote me a letter reminding me that we only have what we make of ourselves – unless we are ripped of our natural well being, we better be fucking grateful for what we have.
She made and lost friends and became friends with herself above all. She took a chance to follow my whisper. Now, I am here to nurture her decision to trust me with the heart she finally opened up. I will help nature survive because I am natural; it would be suicide otherwise.

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