After the Dr. walked in and explained that this body was strong enough to take on a bus –which it just did, but the kidneys were in chronic failure — only working at 40%, I found myself caught in a conundrum.
I’m now questioning my position in loving this man. The dichotomy of love is an unpredictable beast. When does this space heed the need for protecting the ones you care about from themselves? My love is an open space of non-judgment and I do not want to be a nag, but goddamn it, I am not sure that the understanding is clear in the difficulties he will face if his kidneys fail. I am not questioning myself because I cant handle this, I am questioning because I am not sure he actually understands the severity of the issue. Maybe it is the lack of concern for himself, the “himself” that I love so much, or the ignorance of himself that I can’t handle, I think?
Loving Without Condition Is a Challenge
I keep wondering if I am ready to even get this deep. Never in my life have I ever! My mother watched her last 3 husbands die pretty tragic deaths filled with body failure and extreme emotional carnage. And all without missing a beat.
I find myself, however, bothered by the “Pura Vida” statements and the “if I’m gonna go, I’m gonna go” vibe. If he wasn’t here to share my space I’d be missing a beat, my heartbeat. Yes, I actually get it, but in the reality of us on this planet, in this form, with these emotional attachments, I see it as extremely arrogant and selfish to allow love to bloom and not take the steps to heal making this a love trap. Is that what it is in this lack of mindfulness, a trap?
The negligence of our two hearts intertwined is astounding to me and I just am not prepared to bear the burden of the sickness and death of him who is not taking the steps to try and heal because of his now bland, saltless food. I don’t think he was ready for that. He feels better, so in his mind, he is better, which is farthest from the case I fear.
But, how do you explain this to someone repeatedly without seeming obsessive and controlling?? OR, am I just caught in another momentary tear from the moment. Should I also ignore this as it is his journey, in this body and his choice? If so, when is my choice to not create more attachment, due to his life decisions, justify my detachment? Or maybe, just maybe, I am missing the middle space where everything makes sense and isn’t settled in extremes of moments and situations that haven’t happened yet… Am I letting the fear of him “possibly” dying rankle my moment?
If you really love a person, you give them infinite space. Your very being is just a space for them to grow in, to grow with. The mind interferes and tries to possess the person, then love is destroyed.
So many unanswered questions. Confusion is nestling in and burrowing deep into the space between my mind and heart. I can feel the fault line tremble as I sit in contemplation of the reasoning behind the attachment of souls in love. The bond two people create when taking on the responsibility to love unconditionally. And while loving unconditionally, I find myself creating conditions. Or am I fooling myself into thinking caution and being protective of his health are conditions, when in fact, they are not? I don’t want to be a burden, just as I don’t want to be an enabler. Maybe this is a separate matter? A matter not of the heart but a matter of the mind truly and logically understanding the dangers of what he could face, a mind equally in love. When is it ok to stress the future? The love hasn’t changed, just the situation.
As I reflect on Osho’s words, I can see where I fault. It is my approach. I do not know how to take on the situation with the same openness I share in my love for him. I become a ball of stress, which turns to anger and then into sadness. This isn’t the love that he is used to and it makes him feel trapped in a room with a stranger. I, a wild-minded woman who isn’t making sense in a matter that he is not concerned with because he “feels fine”.
Then He asks me, “Why are you so upset?”
The woman before him has let logic interfere with the heart and they do not compliment each other. The sadness of the future carries dread and fear of inevitability. My thoughts are of the fountain of life’s longevity yet these loving intentions cloak the burden they actually create. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Nevertheless, as I write this, I become more aware that if I want to live a conscious, mindful, present life, I have to carry all the practice daily, even into these moments, becoming the totem of the love I want to receive. And it isn’t easy. The only thing I have found easy in this whole situation is escaping the moment.