When does love happen inside yourself? When death becomes relevant.
I have never thought about death as a problem. I have always been a welcomer of the inevitable. However, with trying times affront, I find myself realizing that death is feared when love is present. When you are like me and have searched for that inner love your whole life and then are blessed with it, followed by being able to share it with another human, it becomes a reason to not stress the pettiness. And when you are in love, and love is in you, death becomes something that you must not allow to strain progress of the living moment.
When love happens inside yourself, you become so aware of yourself that you have no worries or needs outside of the primaries of everyday life: water, food, shelter, etc.
Not even money can affect your resistance to lies. In my experience with this, the Universe did something great. It gave me someone to share this abundance with. Not only am I able to share it openly — something I have never been able to do, but I am sharing fully without insecurities and doubt. The other part about this that is so great, it is being given back in return.
But with this life comes the inevitable. I stay in the moment as much as possible but like being hit by a bus, the reality of the unknown, death, will knock the consciousness right out of you. Reminding you that it is the only thing we are guaranteed in this life so don’t take shit for granted. I’ve been so caught in a bubble with life cruising along so lovely lately that I haven’t even once thought about this. The glow of the moment resonating from my pores like I just busted ass on some sweaty work out video.
ANd then Wham!
2 days ago Huberth got hit by a bus on his motorcycle. I haven’t expressed or wrote about it because honestly I am still in shock and am trying to get through the emotions without becoming a walking telenovela. I need to allow myself to express these emotions though.
I was laying in bed. It was 545 in the morning when I heard someone yelling for Huberth, or that is what I thought, so I ignored it because he wasn’t here. They kept yelling and then started knocking heavily on the door, still saying his name. Obviously, at this point, I got up to see what all the commotion was about. Wild hair, in my underwear, “What!?”
All I got was Huberth, moto, and bus. I asked if he was alive but I couldn’t process any Spanish in this moment. My brain had turned to mush and I automatically started talking to the Universe about what kind of mean ass joke it was playing on me. NOT FUNNY AT ALL. Then, all I could think was, “this mother fucker better not die, I just found him!”
Selfish? Probably. But what is one supposed to think when they are told that the love of their life went head to toe with a damn Big Yellow.. Next thing I know I was just doing things, going through the motions of collecting myself. Then I was on the back of some girls motorcycle and we were zooming past cow and crate to get there. When I walked up, the moto was completely under the bus’ front wheel and Huberth was laying on his side in the ditch on his Brother in law Gato’slap… I thought he was dead. No noise, no crying, nothing. I touched him and he was cold. Then he gasped. I was trembling with fear. Gato’s crystal blue eyes turned to me and seemed to burn mine. I broke out in tears. His mother grabbed me and we headed back to the house so that I could grab his things for the hospital.
ANyways, he is alive. Beat up pretty badly and with a broken hand that the Nurses in the ER overlooked. I am making him go back to be tested for internal bleeding tomorrow because we have had a couple issues today with him eating and passing out. I can’t even think straight when the death factor pops into my head. I mean I have dealt with a copious amount of death in my life, directly. Never has it EVER bothered me like this. Sometimes I don’t even think I want this relationship because it is so wonderful and the thought of a loss would be too great a burden to bear. I cried when my dad died last year, that’s about it with death cries.
Taking it back…
The love I have for this man is a deep reflection of the love I have found for myself. No judgment, no anger, just pure unconditional love. I am still adjusting to it. IT is something that I never thought I would get the opportunity to experience in this life, with myself let alone another human. Ladies and gentlemen, he lovessssss me… I mean really truly listens and tries and works toward adjusting to our cultural and language differences, as do I. But not without boundaries and awareness of what we both may like or dislike. We talk about things and he has taken me through to another level of patience with myself and relations. We lay in bed sometimes for hours just enjoying the close space getting to know each other to a depth I never thought existed. Its deep ya’ll! Love deep. Soul deep. Nothing else matters security deep.
So with all this being said, please hold onto your loved ones… I mean the real ones… The ones who you will look at their poop to make sure that their insides aren’t bleeding… The ones you cant imagine not being there and make you question what you were doing before you met them. Whether it is a child or your mom or whoever, it can be a dozen people, just embrace and bask in the revelation that love is the purest gift you can ever accept into your heart. It is everything. It makes everything else matter and not matter all at the same time. It is all of the answers to all of your questions, before and after. Love is the flower in the crack of cement of life. Don’t just let it pass by unnoticed.