An Explanation; An Apology; An Awareness

Recently my mother came to visit me here in Costa Rica. Sad to say, but it wasn’t really what I had in mind as far as what the days brought. I was trying too hard, I think, to keep my temper under control that I let it affect the whole trip. We didn’t do a whole lot and the heat made it even less fun for her. The last night she was here however, we enjoyed a nice dinner and I let my ego control and I am disappointed in the way I interacted with her. It was obvious that she was not happy. I can’t take complete blame for another person’s actions toward a situation, but I can take responsibility for my actions, which may have influenced theirs.

There was a time in my life when I was bitter toward both of my parents. Constantly using them as an excuse to rebel. Feeling abandoned and verbally abused. I didn’t know how to deal with these things. I was 16 when I left the homes of both of them permanently and neither home was worth a shit really. Longtime sexual abuse and non-stop dramatics just damaged my want for understanding; I just wanted to be free of all the confusion and pain. Well, as time does, it healed this pain, or so I thought.

When she got here I had the expectation of getting to know her in my new found love for life and understanding of myself. I was on some over glorified guru trip with myself and it made things worse. Every time I see her it’s like meeting her all over again. I never know what to expect. As soon as I seen her, I felt my stomach sink and my nerves were automatically on edge. She has a huge ego and tends to really take over space with it unknowingly.  ( my lesson here is to never expect anything; in the moment there is no expectation and if you see an ego, let it flow).

I kept thinking about a comment that she made in 2001 or 2004, can’t remember, when we took a trip across America in her 65′ pickup.

We had stopped for the day to set up camp on some side road site. We had a roll of tin foil that I was using to wrap some veggies to throw in the fire. I’m not sure about all that happen, but as we were sitting there my mother said something that has affected me to this day. She is good like that. Things will be all right, and then, BAM!, out of nowhere she just sais some hateful shit. My sister and I have talked about it many times. This comment, in particular, is like a scar on my heart and one that bleeds from time to time. I am hoping writing this will seal it up. She told me, ” If you weren’t my daughter, I wouldn’t like anything about you.”

At this point in my life, I was in no position to process this type of pain. So I turned it into anger. My mother doesn’t like me, both my parents just let me go while they hung on to their other families. I was all fucked up. I felt the world sink around me and my face tighten, as it does when I get upset. My ears rang and I just sat there with this pain, eventually getting up and going to the back of the truck to sulk and to just be alone; I was confused.

Over the years there were many times the “adults” in my life would reiterate how annoying I was. I was a straight-A student until I was in 7th grade. I didn’t hang out with people really. I mean I tried, but I was treated like an outcast and a bother. I Honestly feel, to this day, my stepmother hated me in the house. And she would do or say whatever to make me feel not welcome, and then they’d send me back to my moms.

These things pile up. They built up so much sadness and anger and confusion inside me I couldn’t help but block most of it out or it would have consumed me. And it sort of has in a way.

I realized in that moment that I didn’t need to be bothered by someone, who obviously doesn’t like me, anymore. So when we got back to the east coast and she left, I tried not to talk to her as much as I could.

I’ve really grown throughout the years. Trying my damndest to be a positive person. I always correct myself when I become aware of my faults. I try to take responsibility, but not to the point where everything is my fault. But this is not where I was then. And that shit still hurts.

Well she was here and she left and I will never get that time back to spend. But there was a lesson to be learned. And as she left and I ran to the bathroom after a long ride and a half-ass hug goodbye, it sank in that I let myself get the best of me. I am not sure why I digressed so hard into my ego while she was here. Was it the previous failure I had just gone through with another person? Was her ego pulling on mine?  Was it just a complete lack of self-control? Were the expectation and the words I used to describe the expectation creating a negative fruition? Was the universe teaching me not to expect, and definitely not put negativity in the air through the anxiety of past situations bleeding into future expectations, in turn, creating a false path; hence, ruining the moment? I am not sure, I just know how I feel now and for all of it, I am sorry. I was trying so hard to be in the moment before the moment was even there that I forgot everything I had been trying to implement in my life. I wanted her to see me happy and involved. And I ended up showing her how involved I was in myself, rather than the life I was trying to create, that I was wanting to invite her into.

It’s hard for me to be myself with these people though, who spent their time with me telling me how wrong and weird and selfish I was. I mean they told me I was smart, but they didn’t play that into effect on how I was going to coordinate all that into my adulthood — smarts come through observation and I observed a lot. But I cannot blame them for how I am now. I am grown and have a choice on how I react to them. Also on how I react to the past when it arrises in my thoughts. It’s not their doing that created my path. It is my decision to accept and learn. Some pain is just harder than others. We need to be aware of everything we say when people are around. We need to be conscious of how a simple phrase can create distance and pain without meaning too. We get hung by the tongue in these instances and it can become a canker sore in life. Words cut to the cellular level, and this I am fully aware of. I have used that blade many a time.

I’m not sure what will come of it. All I see is growth in my future so I will take this as part of that. I will let the pain of the past settle and not involve it in my current life. My new life is exciting and loving and full of forgiveness; of myself and others. And that s the path I want to continue to take.

Pura Vida!

TG