Anger has reared its ugly head in me, more than I would like to admit, in the past couple weeks. All to another case of mistaken identity. I mean, luckily I am completely aware of the verbal lashings I can cause when I am in that state of mind. And I am able to control my reactions now, for the most part. I mean I lost my cool a bit once and I apologized. And in this anger, which is never ok, I learned that the next step is really to meditate on and apply not letting things piss me off in the first place; water off a duck’s back. Or, I could just not put myself out there to be able to be pulled into a course of amplified emotional lack of control. While saying this, I also am trying to learn to let go of certain types of control. But when you realize that someone is not who they say they are, after you open completely with them, It fucking sucks. Honestly show them your soul only for them to judge and pick apart for it to feed their ego. So I did some research on a debate topic that kept arising within this time fighting with both our egos.
After researching these three following words, I have come to a solid clarification in myself that I truly do not want to be labeled as any of these. These terms have been a topic of debate for a couple of months and it is not until now that I am really wanting to make sure that what I feel and what is fact, not metaphor, is out there based on my perspective of the person that I am debating with and the way these terms were used. It is also clear to me, now that I have studied the definitive parts, as to why the debate-ee would explain the terms the way they do; in order to fit their “perspective”. Metaphorically any term can bounce around and be beautified. But when describing the presence of a negative force through metaphors, which are used to make terms, which are not good, seem OK to feed an ego-force is pure dark poetry and takes away the meaning of the actual word and its power and creates a haven for complacency and stagnation. Its almost a type of spiritual politics. “My awareness process is truer than yours” type of deal. Unfortunately for them, I am not debating poetry or metaphors. I am debating terminology and why it doesn’t fit into the fact of matters. And I also see how unlearned I am on definitions. I do feel, however, I was using them to their more correct form when viewed in the definitive form. And god please give me some solid feedback on or why I am wrong if anyone feels as so.
Out of the 3 following terms, only 2 & 3 set within the Self-centered definition are ones that would be of any interest of accepting as a label, and only if lack of a better term. In this journey, I am on for positive healing, greedy is not part of my process. Monetary goals based of a greed factor are things I do not accept or in any other way the word would be used.. And, well, Selfishness? Let me explain.
I hear people, even ones I look up to, say that being selfish sometimes is ok. And at first, I was admittedly ok with this because I was not knowledgeable on the subject. Now I see that they too are not as well. So I decided to educate myself on all of this word, and No! No, it is not ok, not for me. Not by definition …
- Selfishness: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. (because this is here is why this is not ok with me and therefore makes the definition one that I will not accept being labeled as. Part of my reprogramming.) 2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:selfish motives.
This is not on my list of definitive action for my life. I will always have space for those that want to enter it. I will always be devoted to caring for those around me. I do not hold anger. If I do get angry it passes eventually. I cannot truly hate people. And although I need to obviously take care of my own needs first in order to create space to help others, protecting myself against being used is not being selfish; energetically or otherwise. And I cannot help others if I am not aware of myself. I am always open to others interests, benefits and welfare, but not regardless of myself or others. Because I matter too. And so do you. What I do when I make time for myself and my emotions and healing is not selfishness. It is creating a better version of me so that I am able to process with others better. I do not have selfish motives. Never have. I cannot heal or grow in others idea space for me. I can only heal me in my own time and space.
In the past, I have been selfish without knowing and when I figured it out I changed it. Because it isn’t something I feel I should hold to my self or be. Not my label.
I feel this next word has been misused the most, now that I understand it better. And I also know how it can be represented as ego. 4 could be represented as stubborn.
- Self-centered: adjective 1.concerned solely or chiefly with one’s own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical. 2.independent, self-sufficient. 3.centered in oneself or itself. 4.Archaic. fixed; unchanging.
After reading this definition in its entirety, I see more positive here than in the other two. So still, for lack of a better term, I would use this one. But still not my go to. When I find a whole, well-rounded term for me I’ll post it. The first part is similar to selfish and uses the word as a synonym, meaning that self-centered can be used to somewhat explain a person who may be selfish. Can it be used vice versa though? Diving deeper into synonyms with Webster, Egotistical (egotism) creates a divide where this actual term can go positive or negative. So it is the most fluid on balancing. Because having ego, when used to balance the good in yourself, can create wisdom. Because accepting that the ego will always be present allows space for it to work for the benefit of growth. But people cannot seem to grasp it very often and the term ego is widely used to express a negative.
“Ego is your sense of “I”, it will always be present in any consciousness (being) and it’s not a problem by itself, however the “ego-force” is at the root-cause of resistance to your “life force”, and thus is responsible for all the psychological suffering created by this resistance – by psychological suffering, I mean emotional and mental suffering. When I talk about reducing the mind/emotional momentum, it actually boils down to dissolving your ego-force – without a dominant ego-force there is no resistance to the release of your emotional accumulation, as well as the release of your mind momentum. A different way of explaining the dysfunction of ego-force is that having a sense of “I” is natural, but when your sense of “I” becomes such a strong force that it causes you to disconnect from “wholeness” you become imbalanced/deluded, and thus enter into a cycle of negativity. When you balance your sense of “I” (or ego) with your wholeness (life-space) you become a whole-based being, or a balanced, and stable, being.”
2 and 3 taken as they are written are why I say that this term has the most balance when used with ego. I will always be independent and self-sufficient. I have to be. It is good to be this way, I feel, in order to connect. 3, adding to that, being centered, which I feel is very important when wanting to put joy out there, is not indifference. Being centered includes no judgment on yourself and others, but you can still carry compassion within this.. However, due to the complexity of the root to the first part of the term, we bring back that space of ego followed by stubbornness by definitively being archaic or unchanged, which can never be good when one is trying to open the mind to love or peace, or whatever it is we all look for when bettering ourselves. Change is the only thing that can make growth possible. Without it, we are only a seed covered in earth.
Now this one is self-explanatory, I would hope. At any point, I would have to say that Greed is just a no go!
- Greed: excessively or inordinately desirous of wealth, profit, etc.; avaricious:the greedy owners of the company. 2.having a strong or great desire for food or drink. 3.keenly desirous; eager (often followed by of or for): greedy for praise.
Even with this definition giving some space with the word avaricious (avarice), for it to be used more metaphorically, it still would not be used to better the view of someone 90% of the time. And 2, well, I just don’t see me starving that hard to let that one play a factor. If all I had was 2 peas left to mash together, I’d probably just give them to the person next to me no matter how hungry I was. I do not have a hunger to be right, I do not have a hunger to possess anything that I do not need. And I especially do not need things that would fault the needs of another. Call me naive. But as I told one of my activist friends today,
“I will Gandhi the shit outta of my space.”
I will do this by creating a loving open environment with no judgment were my friends, such as her, who are taking on the troubles of the world, can come visit, decompress and just have space to be. I will create the space to be the change I seek in this world. And I am still working on this. Everyday. I can come across as a know it all to some. But I like to ask questions and try and find solutions. Mine are not always the best but I feel happy knowing that I have one. But I now see that within this pride I have created space for the bad part of my ego to flourish. And at this moment, it is what I am working on. Letting go and just accepting what is. It may not be the way I would think it works, but it isn’t wrong. And hey, I am now free to stay in the moment and just chill.
This is solely the way I will take it, and call me self-centered, but I don’t want to change my view on this. I feel, through logic and compassion, I am able to develop these positive introspections from such negative places and that is something I do like about myself and want to share. Knowledge is only useful when applied and shared. This positive perspective is also something I lost while traveling in this body over the past 30 years. But she is recreating her space in me. Good ole positivity! I wanna share that. No need to keep it to myself!
Love and Patience and Compassion!